Happy New Year!

This year isn't starting out great because I feel like I'm still in a holding pattern on a number of things. The waiting for a resolution/answer is driving me nuts and I'm feeling like it's not fair. I know I'm whining but I do wonder why I am going through this.

And today my stupid phone phobia was rearing its ugly head but thankfully I was spared having to make the call myself. I don't know why I am like that but I think my Dad was a bit too so I guess it is inherited from him. My mother on the other hand loved being on the phone and so does IG although for her it is text-messaging and Twitter.

Speaking of IG - she is doing really well. Mostly enjoying school - on the swim team, in the Arts Club, and also a civic group. Swim team is keeping her very busy and will for the next 6 weeks or so - depending on how far the team goes. But they are good - and last year placed 3rd in the county and it looks like they're doing as well this year too. IG has placed in a couple of meets - no 1st place yet but she just got over a really nasty sinus infection. And she is doing well in school - even in Math and Chemistry which does give her fits sometimes. She did just barely make Honor Roll last quarter which was her fault since she didn't turn in an English project which cost her a letter grade. She didn't make that mistake again this quarter so I expect she'll have a really good GPA - plus some of her other grades went up too.

Finances - let's just say they suck still. I can't pay off anything because we're still waiting for the check for the classes DH taught. His last class got a poor evaluation so I'm not sure he'll be asked back. But he is VERY busy until at least May/June with a lot of theater work so I'm not that concerned about it. But we won't see any money again until at least a month from now so it will be tough going once again. Argh.

On the Nature of Depression and Anxiety

I was listening to an NPR show where Dr. Andrew Weil was the guest. He is a well-known holistic medicine doctor who is big into alternative medicines and natural remedies. He was saying how processed foods have increased depression in society and also lack of exercise and sun. He recommended that plus Omega-3 fish oil tablets every day. He says that yes anti-depressants do alter your brain chemistry permanently and can increase risks for other diseases. While I do like a lot of what he says - especially if the depression is mainly due to imbalanced brain chemistry.

But what if your depression/anxiety is due to REAL life situations - poverty, unemployment, debt, divorce, homelessness, etc.? I don't see how taking fish oil everyday is going to make your depression go away and you'll suddenly be able to conquer the world. Maybe I'm exaggerating a  bit but he does seem to be that docs like him way oversimplify the causes of depression and other anxiety-related disorders. My dh has had real biochemical issues due to sleep disorders and chemically-related depression and there the meds have really helped. I went back on the Zoloft several weeks ago. And while it does flatten out my moods at this point it is a blessing. I am also taking anti-anxiety meds as needed. The doc prescribed Ambien but the several times I took it it only helped for several hours so I'm not sure it's the right one. 

I also feel like this is my reckoning time - I am paying for all my past mistakes and sins so in some ways I do deserve to suffer a bit. I never seem to learn from past mistakes - although there are a few areas which I have. But some areas in life I seem to endlessly repeat the cycle. I am so grateful that IG is not like me - even though we may not have money for college for her I am confident that she will be going and will succeed in life. She also has a lot more confidence and self-esteem than I have ever had. I would have killed for all the friends she has when I was in high school and the fact that she has already had 2 nice boyfriends is amazing to me. You always hope your children will be "better yous" and in this case it seems to be the case. I am forever thankful that she did not inherit my Asperger's.

Time for Thankfulness

I am trying real hard to be thankful despite my agony of all that occurred in the last year. We are all healthy (thank goodness after my hospital stay). I have a really good job where I am thought of highly and will hopefully be moving up more although that is a little scary too. We have a home, food, clothes and drivable cars. Despite our county education system's shortcomings IG is in a good enough high school to be able to get the advanced classes she needs and wants. And dh is getting steady work although the pay often doesn't come fast enough.

I have so many regrets - I don't want them to always get in the way. If I can get through the next 6 months I hope we will be in somewhat better shape financially - between paying off some medical bills, some bigger paychecks, tax return and hopefully another generous bonus.

My Inner Demons are "Demoning"

What horrible combination of genetics caused me to be wired this way? Is it the family history of depression, my childhood Asperger's or all of it together. We not about to be put out on the street. Yes we up to our eyeballs in debt and because of a few medical bills have even been getting some debt collector calls - something I have NEVER experienced. But we are expecting some big checks to come in - even though they may take another month. And yes I will (75%) probability have to sell some more stock to get through this difficult month. IG is starting swim team this week and that will be at least another $100 - $50 for athletic fee and $50 for swim team suit. Still no new stove in sight. :-(

But my morning anxiety attacks are particularly bad again. And the ativan doesn't seem to be as effective right now. I am trying to make bargains with myself to hang on. No, I'm not on the Zoloft anymore - I was made to go cold turkey in the hospital and I never had any withdrawal effects that time so I decided to just stay off of them. I have not really noticed any differences either.

I am praying that I can continue hanging on. I don't feel like I have a lot of support. That's the problem with being a loner with a very small family. Dh is trying but his empathy meter is rather low and he seems to never let go of past issues. I know that's a maturity issue on his part although I guess my coping skills (or lack thereof) are all about the immaturity.  If other people can pray that I can hang on too it would be appreciated. I am in a very bad way right now.

Ship Me Off to the Poorhouse!

I was watching one of those Halloween-type haunting shows - although they show them year-round this one was during the Halloween sweeps week.  They were showing scenes from a poorhouse somewhere that I don't remember.

I was thinking that if I was alive then that we'd be shipped off to one of those places.  They were of course horrible places where the castoffs of society were sent to. Many people died there of suicides and disease.

Speaking of TV I am thinking we will most likely decide to turn off the FIOS TV in one small cost-cutting measure with many more to come.  I am going to miss TV as without the the FIOS we get zero TV reception (we live in a valley). But I think we all can live without it - especially since IG has now become a voracious reader. Plus we will still watch things via Netflix and online streaming.

The Great $40,000 Question

Yep - that's how much we owe on the credit cards. Hate me, loathe me, pity me - call me one of those irresponsible idiots who has helped drag the economy down the tubes by not living within my means. I am guilty of it all and admit it. I have a few reasons why some of it happened but in the end I abused the cards and now there is not much left on them.

I have still not talked to dh about what the credit counseling agency guy proposed - he just got back from NC on Sunday evening and has either been working or recovering from the trip. I am hoping tonight we can finally sit down for a little bit. It won't be pretty and unfortunately he is good at laying guilt trips on me but not talking about any solutions. We both have our own immaturities on this but he has never been able to move past some of the events that happened earlier. This is not constructive and only delays any real action or decisions. So we'll see.

We've run out of rich relatives although I could possibly borrow from my cousin - they are extremely well off although I expect even they were hit by some of the real estate fallout in CA as my cousin's dh owns a few apartments out there. While we can keep going for another year or two - especially if I cash out that fairly unproductive 401K which I expect I'll have to early next year the point is that this is all unsustainable. And if we have any big expenses - car repairs, household disasters then I don't know what we would do.

I guess I have to face facts that one way or the other we'll be taking a hit to the credit rating soon. If anybody is reading this, please pray for us. It is eating me alive and I am barely making it through each day. I know I have a lot to be thankful for - my health, a great good-paying job, a roof over our heads, a healthy family and a husband who at least contributes some to the family income. But the problem is that it's never been enough.

Kinda Hating Myself Right Now

Knowing it wasn't just me that got us into so much debt, but the Suze Orman in my head is certainly yelling at me right now.

The visit to the credit counselor was semi-disappointing. The debt repayment offer he made wouldn't be much of a savings monthly although it would be paid off in 5 years. But those credit cards would be closed, the interest rate on one of the cards wouldn't be much lower than what it is now (could that be negotiated?) and while it is supposed to be non-profit I didn't totally like it. I know I'm an idiot financially but this didn't seem totally right but I need time to think and with dh going off to NC to teach a class tomorrow it's not going to be discussed until he gets back - we don't have the time to talk about this. I was also a little pissed in that he said he'd send me the information - but the details don't get released unless we agree to do this to start with. No thanks right now.